"I know, I know, I know..." 

These have been the words I've repeated to my friends and family over the past several months.  As you can see, it's been quite a while since my last blog posting.  Since many of you have been so patient in waiting for my return from the hiatus, this entire posting is going to be dedicated to my explanation of my absence on my own blog.  (what kind of a guy ignores his very own blog, like it's an old t-shirt in the bottom of his dresser drawer anyways?)  There's a short answer and a long answer to that question.  I'll give you the more lengthy answer, and hopefully it will provide some LIFE insights for you along the way...

Obviously, to most of my readers and my relatively small band of faithful followers (at least those following my blog...I'm certainly not starting a cult up here in the mountains...) you already know this about me: I am an outspoken person, who almost never has a one-word answer to a question or statement.  Believe it or not, over the last several months I fell into a dark, deep, quiet place of inner reflection and analysis...as I have at different times throughout my life.

However, this time was a bit different.  My reflective mood was not provoked or brought on by the onset of a depressive mood or challenging life-issue.  This time, it was brought on by a close, long time mentor of mine, who 5 months ago challenged my thinking with a few - yes, just a few - sentences and questions.  One of his first statements to me was: Phillip, you have to learn restraint.  

Now, before I get any further, I need to clarify his statement for you.  He wasn't referring to an addictive habit, or a character flaw revealing weakness.  Quite simply, he was referring to my, being so outspoken.  Initially, I have to say... I was mildly offended.

Learn restraint?  Are you kidding me!  The first half of my life was being told I was to listen and not speak. With that came the unspoken demands, crippling my ability to express myself, and forcing me to suppress my instinctive need to cross communicate.  Now that I put myself through years of therapy, psycho-analysis, and after subjecting and baring my soul to counselors you're going to ask me not to do what everyone of them asked me to do by asking me to RESTRAIN my communication once again?      

Believe-you-me, after sharing his first thought with me, I was already entertaining the option to give him the - another call's coming through right now and I HAVE to grab this one - (let me call you back after the 10G iPhone hits the Apple Stores in Guam)  However, my integrity wouldn't allow me to spew out the lie I was gargling, and I...

REMAINED ON THE PHONE.                

By this time I'm thinking: what's next on the MUST LEARN LIST FOR PHILLIP?  Walking a long path on rice paper without leaving a trace?  (Right...too many episodes of David Carradine on Kung Fu, and that ridiculous bald kid named Grasshopper - - imagery flashing through my brain.)

I'm going to stop right here.

I'm not even going to get into the next statement that was spoken to me that afternoon.

The restraint my friend and mentor was speaking of has to do with a life of discipline.  Discipline of the mind, of the emotions, of the will, and of the Spirit.  We live in a society where very little restraint is on display.  It's wear what you want, say what you want, feel what you want, express yourself, and forget about everything and everyone else, LOOK OUT FOR #1... LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD.  Right?

The problem with that way of thinking can be summarized with a single word and a single idea: self.

RESTRAINT is disciplining yourself to slow down your reaction and response time.  

- Sit in silence when you want to scream.  

- Fold your hands when you want to raise them in defiance.  

- Walk away from a fight instead of throwing a punch.  

- Allow yourself to absorb, rather than ingest yourself into a situation.

- Resist the need to be heard, instead of raising your voice in defense.

I can go on, but you get the point.

So, my hiatus has been a return to the basics of my core beliefs.  I have purposely kept my mouth shut during a time when I wanted to sound-off on a variety of real life issues and every day situations, which we're all faced with.  And quite honestly, resisting the urge to login to my blog wasn't that difficult after the first few times.  I kept reminding myself that restraint was my goal.  Try it.  Restrain your SELF.  In a very short period of time you will undoubtedly - eventually - be confronted with the same truth that every human being is forced to admit at some point: Life is not about me.

"...when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously."  1 Peter 2:23

Attempting to circumvent the rules of jet lag, I made sure to get an ample amount of rest while on the plane and I purposely took it easy on the evening I arrived.  A normal, full night's rest for me is about 6 hours; the evening I arrived in Tel Aviv, I slept for almost 8 hours.  Theoretically, this would mean I had at least 14 hours of rest inside of a 24 hour period.

My attempt was met with only semi-success, as I only felt the jet lag drag for about a half day yesterday.  But then, I had to sabotage my limited success by engaging in some over-zealous extra curricular activity.

I began my day tagging along with my step-brother to his place of employment.  A Lieutenant Colonel in the Israeli Army, Danny took me along with him for a day of special activities with his unit.  

Tel Aviv is celebrating it's 100 year anniversary.  As an act or patronage, Danny organized an "outing" for his platoon of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.  A group of 30 junior officers were sent on a scavenger hunt in downtown Tel Aviv, seeking out various Historic pieces of information.  At the end of the hunt, Danny treated the winning team to an appetizing lunch at a local establishment.  As a courtesy, I was of course, included at the lunch.

Jewish people have a wonderful way of welcoming one into their world, without any pre-conceived or stereo-typical perceptions...or, at least they don't let on!  I appeared to be the topic of conversation.  I happen to have two hebrew-inscriptions tattooed on each of my forearms.  At the time I had the work done, I would have never guessed that I'd be visiting the homeland within 6 months time.  As you can probably imagine, being in Israel, where the native tongue is Hebrew, my tattoos have been conversation starters every place I've been.  

I spent the better part of the afternoon at a local mall in downtown Tel Aviv.  The prices for clothing are astronomical - it is no wonder that Danny and his family had such a great time buying clothing in the U.S. last year!

A few hours at the mall and then back to home base in Ramat Gan, and I found myself unusually tired, so I took a short nap.

Later in the evening I journeyed once again with Danny.  This time, we met a group of his Israeli friends - all of which were Lieutenant Colonel's or better - at a late night game of Texas Hold 'em.  Without going into great detail, let's just say I did very well, and about 90 minutes into our 4hr game, I was being asked by my new acquaintances, "...so my friend, when does your plane leave for the States?"

It wasn't so bad, but there were moments I whispered under my breath, "I'm glad I have at least one family member."  I may have been sacrificed, and methodically ejected off of the high-rise apartment.  It wouldn't have been a pretty sight - but potentially a ground breaking story for CNN, Tel-Aviv.

Phillip Anthony, out in Tel-Aviv.

After a very long plane ride from San Francisco - to LAX - to Atlanta - and Tel Aviv - I finally made it to my relative's home in Ramat Gan.  Ramat Gan is a very short distance from Tel Aviv.  I was treated to a warm welcome by Danny and Tammy, and their wonderful children, Daphne and Jonathan.  

Shortly after my arrival, I was pleasantly surprised by the offering of art work by Daphne and Jonathan... a warm and friendly gesture, reminding me of the kind, loving acceptance often offered to Americans outside of the U.S.  Jonathan presented me with a "Welcome to Israel" drawing, and Daphne, a drawing of myself... I had a big smile of my face.  She definitely has an eye for detail; I believe I lost some weight between LAX and Tel Aviv, at least according to the lovely art work!

In addition to the generous dinner spread - a combination of meats, vegetables and (my favorite) salad, provided by Chef Tammy, we also sipped on a bottle of fine Barkan Merlot.  As you can imagine, there was absolutely no feeling of disappointment in not having to eat plane food for dinner.

After a few hours of conversation and more Barkan, I showered and called in an early evening.  

Woke up at 4:00am, Israel time this morning, greeted by the joyful and melodious-song of some species of bird I'd never heard before.  Danny served me with the best cup of coffee I think I've ever had.  Jewish people seem to do EVERYTHING first class!  I am going to journey into Tel Aviv today.

There is something unique, beautiful, and familiar about this place...

I must be dreaming.

It was almost midnight, March 11, 2008.

I was driving home, through La Quinta, California after a long evening of tennis matches at the Pacific Life Masters Tournament at Indian Wells.

Just two miles away from my home, on a dark, long stretch of pavement known as Avenue 52, I stopped at the intersection and couldnt believe my eyes.  A late model, white SUV was turned over upside down in a grove of Palm Trees.  The headlights were still on and as I cautiously pulled up along side the vehicle I could tell that the dome light inside of the vehicle was also on.

I had no idea how long the vehicle had been turned over and without hesitating I parked my car and got out, and at the same time reached for my cell phone inside of my front pant pocket.  As soon as I closed my car door - still some 25 feet away from the wrecked SUV - I could hear the loud radio from within the vehicle playing Spanish music.  My mind kicked into overdrive with a barrage of thoughts, as an awful, eerie, cold feeling came over me.  It was like something out of a motion picture.  Time seemed to have frozen, and me with it.  

I stood - for what seemed forever - just staring at the SUV, glancing to the right and left of me, still in disbelief as I pressed 9-1-1 on my cell phone.

The operator picked up immediately, "9-1-1, what is your emergency?" the voice asked.

After relaying basic information of my location and a desciption of what I was witnessing, the operator asked:

"Is there anyone in the vehicle...are there any injuries?"

Walking slowly toward the SUV, I could see that there was a person in the driver seat, but the vehicle was upside down and the windshield and the roof of the vehicle had pinned the driver into the seat, making them unrecognizable.  As I approched even closer, I could see the person's hand resting on what would be the top of the driver side door, almost outside of the window.

After passing the information to the operator, the operator asked, "Can you tell whether or not the person is breathing?"

At that point, I did the only thing I could think of.  I knelt down beside the driver's side door and reached for the hand of the person.  With my eyes closed and my left hand holding the phone to my ear, I pressed my trembling hand along side the hand of the driver and slid my two fingers upward, searching for a pulse.

A feeling of emptiness came over me, and I took a long deep breath before finally uttering the most painful words I've ever spoken.

"I'm sorry...the driver doesn't have a pulse.  The driver is dead."

"Alright.  Please remain along side the vehicle and do not attempt to remove the person from the vehicle.  Emergency personnel are en route to your location."

For almost 10 minutes I sat next to the SUV.

The blaring music was drowned out by the intense emotion and grief I was experiencing.  With my eyes closed, and in shock, I sat next to the driver's side door with my hand atop the hand of the deceased until the fire department and ambulance arrived.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What had happened?

Who was this person in the driver seat?

Did they fall asleep at the wheel?

Were they driving under the influence?

Were they a mother or a father?

I had so many questions, and I had no answers.  I felt completely helpless.

Whoever the person was, and whatever he or she had planned, suddenly came to an end.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Think about your life as it exists today.  As it is right now.  

What do you have?  

Who are your loved ones?  

What do you cherish the most about your life?  

Have you achieved everything you have wanted to achieve?

What is your net worth?

Now imagine you're that person sitting in the driver seat, next to me...unalive.

Whatever you have, you aren't taking with you.  And, there are a few things I know for certain.

1. Nothing you have today really belongs to you and your "stuff" isn't yours.  If it did, you would be able to take it with you when you depart from this life.  The clothes, the jewelry, the houses, the cars, the stocks, the insurance, your family and friends.  None of it travels with you when you depart.  You own nothing.  Not-a-thing.

2. The one thing you do have - the one thing that God Himself allows you to have wholly and completely is your heart.  What is in your heart is what you own...completely.  And, interestingly enough, this is what will determine where your final destination will be.

I love this part...

It does not matter whether or not you believe me.

It does not matter whether or not you're still listening (or whether or not you've already "X'd" out of the browser window.  

Who you are is defined by what is in your heart.  (I didn't say that.  Jesus did.  Luke 12:15)

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A few days following that fatal car accident, I was contacted by Highway Patrol in southern California.  I was told by an officer that the person driving the vehicle was 18 years old.  He had stolen the SUV from the next town over, and he was intoxicated more than three times the legal limit.  Through a series of tests, the officers were able to conclude that the young man had been street racing with another vehicle when he was run off the road and hit the curb of the center median at more than 70mph, causing his SUV to spin, hit a telephone electrical box, which propelled his car into the air.  He died instantly.

I was still rattled from the experience the day the officer contacted me, and I will never forget the atmosphere of the car accident that night.

Be your own Cardiologist today.  Examine your heart.  

I'd personally like to see you make it.